Archive for November, 2005
Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in trigonometric lane. There I saw you with your cute circular face, conical nose and spherical eyes, standing in your triangular garden.
Before seeing you, my heart was a null set, but when a vector of magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart, it differentiated.
My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve by making good binary relation with me. The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity. I promise that I should not resolve you into partial functions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits from zero to infinity.
You are as essential to me as an element to a set. The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality. My love, if you do not meet me at parabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset, when the sun is making an angle of 160 degrees, my heart would be like a solved polynomial of degree 10. With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima and minima, of an unknown function.
Yours ever loving,
Imagine this …
You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, it’s raining heavily, when suddenly you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for a bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing very well that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading…
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
* You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first;
* or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
* However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. Guess what was his answer?
He simply answered: “I would give the car keys to my Old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.”
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to “Think Outside of the Box.”
So what was yours ?????
*”*As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two… *”*
*Sir Norman Wisdom
*”* One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.*”*
*Edgar Watson Howe
*”*A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!* “*
*”*A harmful truth is always better then…a useful lie! *”*
**”* When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.*” *
*”* I only go to work on days that don’t end in a ‘y’. *”*
*”* We spend the first twelve months of our children’s liv! es teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. *”*
*”* Laughter is the closest distance between two people. *”*
*”* Start every day with a smile and get it over with. *”*
*”* Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.*”*
*”*Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day. *”*
*”* Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children.Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work or prison.* “*
*”*If you never want to see a man again, say, ‘I love you, I want to marry you. I want to have children…’ – they leave skid marks. *”*
*”* I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens. *”*
*”* Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.*”*
*”*Don’t take life too seriously, you’ll never get out of it alive.*”*
*”*Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.*”*
*”* In life, it’s not who you know that’s important, it’s how your wife found out.*”*
*”* I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.* “*
*”*Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?*”*
* Nothin is Impossible in this world. The word Impossible itself says I’m possible*
A little boy asked his mother, “Why are you crying?”
“Because I need to” she said.
“I don’t understand,” he said.
His Mom just hugged him and said, “And you never will.”
Later the little boy asked his father, “Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?”
“All women cry for no reason,” his dad answered carelessly.
The little boy, still wondering why women cry, finally asked the old wise shaikh (scholar).
“He surely knows the answer”, he thought. “Ya Shaikh! Why do women cry so easily?”
The Shaikh answered: “When Allah made the woman she had to be made so special. He made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort. He gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that comes from her children. He gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining. He gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child hurts her very badly. He gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart. He gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly. And lastly, He gave her a tear. This is hers and only hers exclusively to use whenever she needs it. She needs no reason, no explanation, its hers.”
“You see my son, the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the beauty of her face, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart – the place where love resides.”
The little boy got the answer and never asked the question again.
In order to assist you in getting the best possible care from your physician, we suggest you observe the following guidelines.
- Do not expect your Doctor to share your discomfort. Involvement with your suffering might cause them to lose valuable scientific objectivity.
- Be cheerful at all times. Your Doctor leads a stressful life and requires all the joyfulness they can get.
- Attempt to suffer with the disease you are being treated for. It is very discourteous to your Doctor if you keep changing symptoms.
- Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief. You must believe your Doctor has the true insight into your condition. This will over ride the disability you may be experiencing.
- Never ask your Doctor to explain what they are doing or why. It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms you could understand.
- Readily submit to experimental treatment. Though the treatment may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper is sure to be of interest to other Doctors.
- Do not contract an illness you cannot afford. It is sheer arrogance to suffer from a disease you can’t possibly afford to cure.
- Never reveal any of your Doctors shortcomings that you have discovered during treatment. The patient/Doctor relationship is sacred and privileged. It is vital you protect them from unnecessary criticism.
- Never die while in your doctor’s presence or under their care. This will only cause them needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
If you follow this code of ethical behaviour, you the patient may help reduce the needless suffering of so many Physicians.
“When I’m happy I feel like crying, but when I’m sad I don’t feel like laughing. I think it’s better to be happy, then you get two feelings for the price of one.” -Lily Tomlin
“Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.” – Mark Twain
“A person without a sense of humour is like a wagon without springs – jolted by every pebble in
the road.” – Henry Beecher
“The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the disease.” – Voltaire
“Even professional comics don’t know if their humour will work until they try, it and sometimes it doesn’t.” – The Smile Connection
“A smile is the curve that sets everything straight.” – Phyllis Diller
“If you feel down just consider that the sun sinks every night – but rises again in the morning.” – Proverb
“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. ” – Will Rogers
“Once you can laugh at your own weaknesses, you can move forward. Comedy break down walls. It opens up people. If you’re good, you can fill up those openings with something positive. Maybe you can combat some of the ugliness in the world.” – Goldie Hawn
“Life is God’s joke on us. It’s our mission to figure out the punch line.” – John Guarrine
“Humor is a divine quality and God has the greatest sense of humor of all. He must have, otherwise he wouldn’t have made so many politicians.” – Martin Luther King
“If I can get you to laugh with me, you like me better, which makes you more open to my ideas.” – John Cleese
“Even if laughter were nothing more than sheer silliness and fun, it would still be a precious boon. But we now know that it is far more than that, that it is, in fact, an essential element in emotional health.” – Steve Allen
“A leader without a sense of humour is apt to be like the grass mower at the cemetery – he has lots of people under him, but nobody is paying him any attention.” – Bob Ross
“Humor is another of the soul’s weapons in the fight for self-preservation. It is well known that humor more than anything else in the human makeup, can afford an aloofness and an ability to rise above any situation, even if only for a few seconds.” – Victor Frankl
“Comedy is…[offering] solace, piling sandbags of wit against the flood of anger and pain.” – Judith Wilt
“The more you’re scared, the more you have to create jokes.” – Dominique Moisi
“To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children…to leave the world a bit better…to know even one life has breathed a easier because you have lived, that is to have succeeded.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Just below the surface of consciousness, there lurks…a subterranean giggle. Nurture it, give it its space, and it will be fruitful and multiply and cheer your days and warm your nights.” – Cynthia Heimel
“There are three things which are real: God, human folly and laughter. The first two are beyond our comprehension, so we must do what we can with the third.” – John F. Kennedy
“They said ‘Cheer up – things could be worse.’ So I cheered up…and sure enough, things got worse.” – GKH
“What doesn’t kill you will make you funnier.” – Melanie Burnell
“Insanity is like virtual reality, without the bulky gloves and helmet.” – Derek Wilken
“Progress is nothing but the victory of laughter over dogma.” – Benjamin De Casseres
Enjoy and have a cheerful time!
Once, Newton came to Pakistan and watched a few Lollywood movies that had his head spinning. He was convinced that all his logic and laws in physics were just a huge pile of junk and apologized for everything he had done.
In the movies of Sultan Rahi(a punjabi actor), Newton was confused to such an extent that he went paranoid. Here are a few scenes
1) Sultan Rahi has a Brain Tumor which, according to the doctors can’t be cured and his death is imminent. In one of the fights, our great Sultan Rahi is shot in the head. To everybody’s surprise, the bullet passes through his ears taking away the tumor along with it and he is cured!
Long Live Sultan Rahi!
2) In another movie, Sultan Rahi is confronted with 3 gangsters. Sultan Rahi has a gun but unfortunately only one bullet and a knife. Guess, what he does? He shoots the bullet & throws the knife at the middle gangster towards the bullet. The knife cuts the bullet into 2 pieces, which kills both the gangsters on each side of the middle gangster & the knife kills the middle one.
3) Sultan Rahi is chased by a gangster. Sultan Rahi has a revolver but no bullets in it. Guess what he does. Nah? Not even in your remotest imaginations. He waits for the gangster to shoot. As soon as the gangster shoots,Sultan Rahi opens the bullet compartment of his revolver and catches the bullet. Then, he closes the bullet compartment and fires his gun.Bang… the gangster dies…
This was too much for our Newton to take! He was completely shaken and decided to go back. But he happened to see another movie for one last time, and thought that at least one movie would follow his theory of physics. The whole movie goes fine and Newton is happy that all in the world hasn’t changed. Oops, not so fast!
The ‘climax’ finally arrives.
Sultan Rahi gets to know that the villain is on the other side of a very high wall. So high that Sultan Rahi can’t jump even if he tries like one of those superman techniques that our heroes normally use. Sultan Rahi has to desperately kill the villain because it’s the climax. (Newton dada is smiling since it is virtually impossible?) Sultan Rahi suddenly pulls two guns from his pockets. He throws one gun in the air and when the gun has reached above the height of the wall, he uses the second gun and shoots at the trigger of the first gun in air. The first gun fires off and the villain is dead.
Newton commits suicide…
Home is where you hang your @.
A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.
In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories.
Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice.
Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
Too many clicks spoil the browse.
Don’t byte off more than you can view.
What boots up, must come down.
There’s no place like your homepage.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won’t bother you for weeks.
via Faiq Sheikh