*How to frustrate your Doctor!*

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain “Please doctor, you’ve got to help me. I’ve been stung by a bee.”

DOCTOR: “Don’t worry; I’ll put some cream on it.”

MAN: “You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now.”

DOCTOR: “No, you don’t understand! I’ll put some cream on the place you were stung.”

MAN: “Oh! It happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree.”‘

DOCTOR (in anger): “No, no, you IDIOT! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting.”
MAN (still screaming in pain): “On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts.”

DOCTOR (banging his fist, abusing and shouting): “Which one?”

MAN (innocently): “How am I to know? All bees look the same to me.”

**** Hoping if it really stings … you won’t be doing all this

~~ ABC’s of Acheivements ~~

Avoid negative sources, people, things and habits.

Believe in yourself.

Consider things from every angle.

Don’t give up and don’t give in.

Enjoy life today, yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come.

Family and Friends are hidden treasures. Seek them and enjoy their riches.

Give more than you planned to give.

Hang on to your dreams.

Ignore those who try to discourage you.

Just do it!

Keep on trying, no matter how hard it seems.

It will get better.

Love yourself first and foremost.

Make it happen.

Never lie, cheat or steal. Always strike a fair deal.

Open your eyes and see things as they really are.

Practice makes perfect.

Quitters never win and winners never quit.

Read, study and learn about everything important in life.

Stop Procrastination.

Take control of your own destiny.

Understand yourself in order to understand others.

Visualize it.

Want it more than anything.

Xccelerate your efforts.

You are unique, nothing can replace you.

Zero in on your target, and go for it!!

~~ ABC’s of Acheivements ~~

Avoid negative sources, people, things and habits.

Believe in yourself.

Consider things from every angle.

Don’t give up and don’t give in.

Enjoy life today, yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come.

Family and Friends are hidden treasures. Seek them and enjoy their riches.

Give more than you planned to give.

Hang on to your dreams.

Ignore those who try to discourage you.

Just do it!

Keep on trying, no matter how hard it seems.

It will get better.

Love yourself first and foremost.

Make it happen.

Never lie, cheat or steal. Always strike a fair deal.

Open your eyes and see things as they really are.

Practice makes perfect.

Quitters never win and winners never quit.

Read, study and learn about everything important in life.

Stop Procrastination.

Take control of your own destiny.

Understand yourself in order to understand others.

Visualize it.

Want it more than anything.

Xccelerate your efforts.

You are unique, nothing can replace you.

Zero in on your target, and go for it!!

Things you learn from movies

- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

- The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without any difficulty.

- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

- When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

- If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.

- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

- One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

- When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

- Dogs always know who is bad and will naturally bark at him.

- Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Thanks to harris for these

Computer Error

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him,

“So, what was wrong?”

He replied, “It was an ID ten T error.”

I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,

“An ID ten T error? What’s that .. in case I need to fix it again?”

Harold grinned…. “Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?”

“No,” I replied.

“Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.”

So I wrote down.

I D 1 0 T

….

IDIOT

….

Male Bashing :)

Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.

Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
A: Because they are…

Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.

Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?????…..

Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.

Q: What’s the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO ?
A: I don’t know, I’ve never seen either.

Q: What are two reasons why men don’t mind their own business?
A: i) no mind ii) no business

Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A:! Because even back then men wouldn’t ask for directions .

Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink…

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no intention of driving.

Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he’s God’s gift?
A: Exchange him!!

Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

Angrezi – Na aati hey na jati hey

Some applications from Pakistanis who learnt English at government funded schools.

A student’s leave letter:

“As I am suffering from my uncle’s marriage I cannot attend the class…. “

A candidate’s application:”This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ‘typist And an accountant - Male or Female’… As I am both for the past Several years and I can handle both; I am applying for the post.”

An employee applied for leave as follows:Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one-week leave.

Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:”Since I’ve to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clocks and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave”

A leave letter to the headmaster:”As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today”

An incident of a leave letter:”I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday.”

Another leave letter written to the headmaster:As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.

A covering note:”I am enclosed herewith…”

A great application for leave: As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, Please grant me 10 days leave.

Letter written for application of leave: “My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband At home I may be granted leave”.

Letter writing:”I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well.”

How do you write your letters

Boss

A guy is selling three parrots.

Another guy who wants to buy a parrot approaches him and asks, “How much are your parrots?”

The salesman answers, “The first one is $1,000.”

“What does he know?”

“He knows 10,000 words and 500 sentences and is able to solve mathematical expressions.”

“How about the second one?”

“The second parrot costs $5,000.”

“What does he know?”

“He knows 100,000 words and 10,000 sentences, is able to solve mathematical expressions, and create computer programs.”

“Then what is the price for the third one?, the buyer is wondering.”

“This one costs $20,000.”

“Really?!, wonders the exciting buyer. What does he know?”

“This one knows absolutely nothing, but the two others always call him ‘THEIR BOSS.”