10 Ways To Murder Creativity

1. Always pretend to know more than everybody around you.

2. Get employees to fill in time sheets.

3. Run daily checks on progress of everyone’s work.

4. Ensure that highly qualified people do mundane work for long periods.

5. Put barriers up between departments.

6. Don’t speak personally to employees, except when announcing increased targets, shortened deadlines and tightened cost restraints.

7. Ask for a 200-page document to justify every new idea.

8. Call lots of meetings.

9. Place the biggest emphasis on the budget.

10. Buy lots of computers.

Three Dolls in Man’s Life

The three Dolls in a man’s life are:


1……..His Daughter, ‘Baby doll’


2……..His Girlfriend, ‘Barbie doll’


3……..His Wife, ………‘Panadol ‘.

Thanks to Syra :~)

My Boss

When I Take a long time to finish, I am slow,
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough

When I don’t do it, I am lazy,
When my boss does not do it, he is busy,

When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart,
When my boss does the same, he takes the initiative,

When I please my boss, I am apple polishing,
When my boss pleases his boss, he is cooperating,

When I make a mistake, I’ am an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.

When I am out of the office, I am wondering around.
When my boss is out of the office, he’s on business.

When I am on a day off sick, I am always sick.
When my boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When I apply for leave, I must be going for an interview
When my boss applies for leave, it’s because he’s overworked

When I do good, my boss never remembers,
When I do wrong, he never forgets

LION in Pakistan

In the poor zoo of Pakistan, a lion was frustrated as he was offered not more than 1 kg meat a day.

The lion thought its prayers were answered when one US Zoo Manager visited the zoo and requested the zoo management to shift the lion to the US Zoo .

The lion was so happy and started thinking of a central A/c environment, a goat or two every day and a US Green Card also.

On its first day after arrival, the lion was offered a big bag, sealed very nicely for breakfast.

The lion opened it quickly but was shocked to see that it contained few peanuts.

Then the lion thought that may be they cared too much for him as they were worried about his stomach as he had recently shifted from Pakistan.

The next day the same thing happened.

On the third day again the same food bag of peanuts was delivered.

The lion was so furious, it stopped the delivery boy and blasted at him, ‘Don’t you know I am the lion…….. .king of the Jungle… what’s wrong with your management? What nonsense is this? Why are you delivering peanuts to me?’

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The delivery boy politely said, ‘Sir, I know you are the king of the jungle but ……. did you know that you have been brought here on a ‘MONKEY’s VISA’!!!!!!

MORAL: Better to be a LION in Pakistan than a MONKEY elsewhere.

Job Application

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a
McDonald’s fast-food establishment in Florida… and they hired him
because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Courtesy: Sanix

Problems with my new computer

Letter from Banta Singh of Punjab to Mr. Bill Gates of Microsoft

Subject: Problems with my new computer

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems,
which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button ’start’ but there is no ’stop’ button. We request you
to check this.

2. One doubt is whether any ‘re-scooter’ is available in system? I find only
‘re-cycle’, but I own a scooter at my home.

3. There is ‘Find’ button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the
door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this ‘ find’ button, but was
unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

4. My child learnt ‘Microsoft word’ now he wants to learn ‘Microsoft
sentence’, so when you will provide that?

5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon
which shows ‘MY Computer’: when you will provide the remaining items?

6. It is surprising that windows says ‘MY Pictures’ but there is not even a
single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.

7. There is ‘MICROSOFT OFFICE’ what about ‘MICROSOFT HOME’ since I use the
PC at home only.

8. You provided ‘My Recent Documents’. When you will provide ‘My Past
Documents’?

9. You provide ‘My Network Places’. For God sake please do not provide ‘My
Secret Places’. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office
hours.
Regards,
Banta
Last one to Mr Bill Gates :

Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but u are selling WINDOWS?

From here

How to Recruit

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window.

Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.

Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.

If they are counting the bricks.
Put them in the accounts department.

If they are recounting them..
Put them in auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks.
Put them in engineering.

If they are arranging the
bricks in some strange order. Put them in planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other.
Put them in operations.

If they are sleeping.
Put them in security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces.
Put them in information technology.

If they are sitting idle.
Put them in human resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved.
Put them in sales.

If they have already left for the day.
Put them in marketing.

If they are staring out of the window.
Put them on strategic planning.

And then last but not least. If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved.
Congratulate them and put them in top management

Once upon a time ….

There was a software engineer who used to develop programs on his Pentium machine, sitting under a tree on the banks of a river. He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in the Sunday market.

One day, while he was working, his machine tumbled off the table and fell in the river. Encouraged by the Panchatantra story of his childhood

( the woodcutter and the axe )

He started praying to the River Goddess. The River Goddess wanted to test him and so appeared only after one month of rigorous prayers. The engineer told her that he had lost his computer in the river.

As usual, the Goddess wanted to test his honesty. She showed him a match box and asked, “

Is this your computer ?

” Disappointed by the Goddess’ lack of computer awareness, the engineer replied, ” No.”

She next showed him a pocket-sized calculator and asked if that was his.
Annoyed, the engineer said “

No, not at all !!”

Finally, she came up with his own Pentium machine and asked if it was his.
The engineer, left with no option, sighed and said “Yes.”

The River Goddess was happy with his honesty. She was about to give him all three items, but before she could make the offer, the engineer asked her, “Don’t you know that you’re supposed to show me some better computers before bringing up my own ?”

The River Goddess, angered at this, replied, “I know that, you stupid donkey! The first two things I showed you were the Trillennium and the Billennium, the latest computers from IBM !”. So saying, she disappeared with the Pentium!!

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Moral: If you’re not up-to-date with technology trends, it’s better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you’re a genius than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.